It’s a new year and we’re supposed to reflect on the past and talk about the future, right? When I look back at 2023, I feel like we’re an inspirational quote I’ve seen plastered all over social media. “It’s okay if the only thing you did last year was survive.” All year, when we’d see family or friends we hadn’t seen in a while, they’d ask what we were up to or if we had any trips planned. And the answer was always just that we were chugging along without anything major on the horizon. I wanted to have big plans, but I was tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally, so tired.
I’ve been dealing with some chronic health issues that seemed to be getting worse. Unfortunately, the doctors I saw all seemed to brush it off. When I got a new primary care physician and explained my symptoms, she looked at my chart and said, “Your bloodwork (that was months old and not ordered by her) looks normal. I don’t know what you want me to do.” I couldn’t even formulate a response to that. I could go off about how women are treated in healthcare, but that’s a whole other issue!
Eventually, after a lot of advocating for myself, I’ve started getting some answers. Not many solutions yet, but the information and validation is something. Over the last year I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety (ha, no big surprise there!!), depression, cPTSD, POTS, severe anemia, and a suspected connective tissue disorder. I’ve had to start accepting the reality that at 38 years old, my body has some pretty big limitations that I never imagined for myself – at least not at this age.
Taking a shower puts my heart rate up into what would be considered Zone 3 for exercise, an aerobic or “challenging, but doable” workout. For. A. Shower. A walk around the neighborhood can put my heart rate over 160bpm. I get dizzy, short of breath, and so, so tired any time I’m upright.
There is almost always a part of my body that hurts, so much so that I just thought it was normal and that I was just weak or lazy. Then I started seeing a lovely physical therapist and a sports medicine chiropractor. As they’d ask if a certain motion or pressure caused pain, I’d often give answers like, “Yes, but I can breathe through it easily.” After they both, independently, told me that it shouldn’t hurt at all, I finally started to believe them.
Why am I sharing this with everyone? (I mean, not everyone. I doubt very many people still read this now that I’m not posting cute baby photos!!) It’s not to gain sympathy, but maybe help explain where our family is at. We continue to wear masks when we’re in any public indoor space. I know people think we’re weird. I know people think I’m just being anxious or overreacting. I know we have been left behind by friends, family members, and most of any community we were a part of, because it’s inconvenient to meet outside or apparently uncomfortable to see us wearing masks.
As more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more information has become available about Long COVID and the effects it has on almost every major body system, I am more and more sure that I need to protect my kids as much as I can. I don’t want them to live a life with chronic illness. I would rather have them wear a mask to dance class than not be able to dance anymore. I would rather meet friends outside than not have the energy to leave the house. I would rather protect them now than help them with chronic illness later.
And we also want to protect the vulnerable people in our community – whether we know them or not. We’re living in a society that values individualism, but has lost the sense of community and concern for our neighbors, but that’s not the world I want to live in. We want to stop the chain of transmission so we’re not making someone who is immunocompromised, someone who is caring for an elderly relative, someone with a newborn, or someone who is fill-in-the-blank-because-really-we-don’t-want-to-infect-anyone sick and possibly changing their life forever.
I assume that most people will read this and still think I’m being melodramatic or that I’m making judgements on other people’s choices. Would I love for others to mask up in public spaces, get vaccinated, actually stay home and test when sick, increase ventilation, and improve air quality? Yes. Absolutely. For the sake of our own family’s health and for their own health and well-being. But I’m not trying to change anyone else’s behavior. I have a strong enough understanding of boundaries to know that I can only control my decisions. And I’m not trying to shame anyone who has made different decisions than we have. All that being said, I do think there is a serious lack of easily available information and the public health messaging is abysmal, so if this information helps anyone – great!
But we’re tired of being left out, forgotten, or judged for trying to keep our family healthy. Until there are better preventative measures and treatments in place, we will continue to mask, but we also want to continue living our lives. In 2024, I want to feel understood, seen, and cared for. It’s probably a pipe dream, but I can’t give up hope, so I’ll keep dreaming!
MamaMort 